Collared's Agony Uncle Advice Surgery*View all problems :: Tell us your problem
I find it difficult sometimes to tell guys who contact me who aren't my type that I don't fancy them, I don't want to be rude, but at the same time I don't want to be ambiguous with my responses and let them feel that something could develop. Also I don't want to be too specific on my profile about what I am and am not looking for, as for me it is not always that clear cut.
This is one we've all had to face, and everyone deals with the situation in different ways. If you want to be diplomatic then find one element of the person's profile that is positive and start with that. For example: - "I can see you're probably a really fun guy..." or - "That's awesome gear you have in your pics..." Then comes the "but" - "but I'm more of a mentoring sort of guy and you're a bit out of my age range" or - "but I've never been able to dom older guys and I vowed I'd never try that again" or - "but I'm absolutely only looking for blondes so I can complete a matching set (joke)" So the first part is feel-good and in the second part you're putting the focus on your own inability or choices, so you're not in any way blaming them. And if you can find absolutely no redeeming feature in them or they don't give out that level of information then you shouldn't feel guilty about saying something like: "Sorry mate. I'm not interested, but good luck in your quest". The latter saves everyone a lot of wasted time.
Most of us have been rejected and those of us like me who are chubby and over 40 often expect rejection so its not really the rejection hurts its how you do it. I like younger guys mainly so I know I'm approaching people "out of my league" a simple no thank you is sufficient no excuses or reasons are needed and most people will accept that- I will. Obviously some people can be rude and keep asking why but most are just happy you haven't been rude to them. What I and others find upsetting is if i dare to approach someone and they say "fuck off' or make comments about my weight etc in an offensive way. in short a polite no thank you is all that is required.
My stock reply is: 'Thank you for your message. Unfortunately our profiles don't match. Good luck in your search.' If the 'messenger' doesn't take the hint just delete any subsequent messages without reading them; if you do read them you may feel you're being bullied into going further. Very occasionally I've followed up a persistant 'person' with: 'Which bit of *OUR PROFILES DON'T MATCH* don't you understand?' That's proved successful.
Sometimes the guy you don't fancy can turn out to be what you were actually looking for all along. Be sensitive and keep your friends.
Offer more advice
* Well, when we say 'surgery', we don't mean 'surgery' in the conventional sense, but, rather, a bunch of guys hanging around in a bedroom and y'know, trying to figure out your problems. In other words, while we try to get the best advice for you, nothing here should be construed as qualified professional opinion.